New year, new me?

So.... Time for an update. I've been seeing a therapist and she's really helping me out. I am doing a workbook as homework called "Healing for Damaged Emotions" and I've discovered a few things about myself. For instance, growing up I never felt "important" to anyone. My mom worked all the time and my older sibs were supposed to watch me but they were all in high school so you can imagine how that went. My dad didn't give a shit about me, and my parents did not talk to each other ever, so this is probably how I always end up in similar situations. Sigh. I need a vacation, a break, a moment to myself. I was thinking I should go away for a few days but I'd have to take my kids because I couldn't stand to be away from them right now. Sometimes I feel as tho they are the only people who will ever really love me. Isn't that sad?

Nov 4

Day 4: I am thankful for the three most influential women in my life. My mother, Diane Mason, who has taught me strength and compassion. My sister Michele Madigan, who has taught me to not let anyone or anything get you down and to always keep your sense of humor (ironically she also taught me how to "not" be ticklish). And also my mother in law Kathleen Mccarthy, who has taught me to look at the positive side of any situation and remember that we all make mistakes (and that it's okay). I am very blessed to be surrounded by such wisdom and grace. ♥

A wonderful read

Welcome to Holland By Emily Pearl Kingsley I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability- to try to help people who have not share that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel. It's like this..... When you are going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous vacation trip to Italy. You buy a bunch of guidebooks and make your wonderful plans...the Coliseum, the Michelangelo David, the Gondolas in Venice. You may even learn some handy phrases in Italian. It's all very exciting. After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says "Welcome to Holland". Holland???”, you say. What do you mean, Holland? I signed up for Italy! I'm supposed to be in Italy. All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy. But there's been a change in the flight plan. They've landed in Holland and there you must stay, the important thing is that they haven't taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It's just a different place. So you must go out and buy new guidebooks. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would have never met. It's just a different place. It's slower paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you've been there for a while you catch your breath, you look around and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills, Holland has tulips, Holland has Rembrandt's. But everyone is busy coming and going from Italy, and they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say, "Yes. That's where I was supposed to go. That's what I had planned". The pain will never, ever, ever go away, because the loss of that dream is a very significant loss. But if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things about Holland.

Nov 3

Day 3: I woke up with my dog Ryleigh laying very close to me. As I studied the ever-growing white hairs on her face, I realized that she "knew" my son way before we did. I am so thankful to have such an incredibly understanding pet. We are lucky to have her as a part of our family.

Nov 2

Day 2: today I am giving thanks to God for blessing me with a special needs child, the opportunity to learn about the challenges we will face and the strength to deal with them.

30 Days of Thankfullness....

Nov 1st... Today I am thankful for powdered sugar....all over my kitchen. And chocolate throw-up. Some people don't have powdered sugar...or chocolate.

Are you there God? It's me...

It's been so long since I've posted, I don't even know where to begin. This has been the hardest year in my life. My father in law passed away right before my birthday, from a 2-3 year battle with cancer. He was the only father I'd ever really known. I honestly don't remember most of February. I don't think my husband really knows how to deal with emotions, and I almost left him because of it. Women really are much stronger, and when I eventually pulled myself out of a major depression I learned just how strong I could be. I also learned how weak I can be, and that ultimately its my choice between the two. I had days that I was so miserable, I didn't want to live anymore. I pulled myself out of it because I have two small human beings relying on me. So, in hind site my children have saved my life. TBC....